This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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