My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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