well you can't waste a boner
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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