wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am available for nakedness
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
