U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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