Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
