Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
