I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
