i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
