I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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