no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
