Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We had sex on a dog bed..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize