The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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