i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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