Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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