I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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