It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
