How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
