true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
