i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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