This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize