You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
