he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
