Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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