M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
