Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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