I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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