she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
