i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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