You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
