Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
