you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
foreskin is a definite game changer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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