if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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