I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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