this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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