I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
