Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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