sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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