I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
