Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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