he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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