Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
