Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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