dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
