My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
