He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
