Will you blow on my dice?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize