I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
