You made eat vitamins until I threw up
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
