Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just high enough for therapy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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