im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
