how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
