you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
