i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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