I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
