you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
