I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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