Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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