remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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